I'm going to take a deep breath and let all the negative vibes out. As far as my bullcrap intolerant self goes, I'm sure I can be logical about the whole situation. And for the record, I cannot hate you. I...love you more than my pride. Ok, so you were exchanging emails with this Lauren shi*, excuse me, and you emailed her first asking how is she. Uhm, hello? I was hospitalized for 2 weeks last month and did you send me an email? No? Yeah, I thought so too. But it's ok, I understand, you were so busy with school and the restaurant that time right, sweetie?

Next, your email was dated 11/22/09, 11:24am, wow. I thought you teach from 8-12 and you have no breaks because you wanted to maximize your teaching time so you could improve your R-filled english as well?  (Note: he's japanese and they don't have the letter L in their alphabet). So, do you teach your students how to send emails too? How generous. You should have a raise then dear, for going an extra mile. Just make sure that your head teacher won't catch you on ym ok?..

And 3rd, you were talking about a party. And how did this Lauren shi*, excuse me, turned out to be sooo important that you felt so "alone" that time when she did not come? She your new nanny or something? Does she give you those massages now and fills your drink with lots of ice because you like it super cold? And a party?? You? You got so mad at me when I attended my soiree, (and I just sang one song!) because according to you, parties are not necessary anymore because it's for single people who wants to find a date. And I thought you hate crowds? Oh I get it. You and Lauren will just sit on a corner and be by yourselves to avoid everyone else, because you're claustrophobic. Wait. How silly of me. Maybe she's claustrophobic too!

Mahal, I am so sorry. I shouldn't have doubted you..You are so....sensitive.. I feel so stupid for accusing you of anything. And please don't hate me for reading your emails, and feel free to delete those guys on my facebook again if they make you jealous. I'm sorry. And and tell Lauren shi*, excuse me, that I'm sorry too. Tell her I said hi ok?

So there.

Currently listening to: Gravity
Currently feeling: like strangling myself

After all we have been through, I can only look at you, through the eyes you lied to..

Damn it hurts. Should I be alarmed? Is this paranoia? I've been waiting for 3 days. I checked your email and you've been replying to her, everyday. What's up with that? No one's forcing you to stay. I lived for 20  years without you and I'm so certain I can still live the rest of my life, (though heavily broken) with one less of a liar in it. Just don't take me for a fool. I've never been one. Or maybe I will be, soon, for giving you all of me.

Currently listening to: nymphetamine
Currently feeling: half alive

I refrain from posting sad thoughts. Not that I'm sad today, and I just believe that in my own little way I can contribute to someone's happiness by posting happy entries.

BUT.. yesterday I was broke. And I was upset. I searched for change, bills, coins all over my room and collected atleast 300 bucks. Shi*, i said, this isn't enough. Went downstairs and saw my baby brother on the pc and I felt bad. He shouldn't see me like that.

You know how sometimes we face challenges and we think it's unfair? But we don't see that behind that, there's a lesson to be learned. Being broke made me mad, but what about those people on the streets, unsure if they'll be able to eat all day? I was so frustrated not being able to buy things i want, for the day, but what about those people that never had the leisure of buying anything, ever. I complain about walking and it's scorching hot (coz I couldn't afford a cab so I've no choice but to go to the terminal & ride a jeep), but how about those that would die to have a pair of legs? I'm such an ingrate. Been so spoiled, spoon-fed and blinded.

Had it not been for experiences like that, I wouldn't appreciate the blessings I have-everyday. 

Currently feeling: LOVED and in LOVE

Holding in to anger

is like grasping a hot coal

with the intent of throwing it at someone else

yet

you are the one who gets burned.....

..looking at the first picture I posted, made me cry.. I miss him.. I miss my safest place..

Dad had 6 of his teeth pulled out. OUCH. and now he's like a baby, to my mom atleast.

My youngest brother whom I call "Bab", short for baby baboy, told best bud that he was looking for work to save up for Christmas gives. I was..mad. Why didn't he tell me instead?? I'm like.. I was the one who practically raised him!! An he's keeping secrets to me na. Now I just yelled at bestbud and he's trying to look for MadTV videos to calm me down. As I'm doing this entry.

What will you do if someone tells you: Your mom was in escort service.

I passed by the kitchen and the maid was watching ShowTime. I did not recognize Keana Reeves. I was like, si keana na yan?? And it got me thinking that the woman deserves admiration. Judging from what she's been through, she's pretty tough and an epitome of character. Well, yes she slipped and did some shitty things pero I can't blame her. People will always find the easiest way to survive, specially if they are also responsible for feeding thier loved ones. So there, I wanna give her credit for being brave and facing the public inspite of her mistakes before. I'm sure alot of people will raise eyebrows on her. A lot of people don't understand and are self-righteous enough to condemn her, but to me, she's just being realistic. I mean, wouldn't you use the only asset you have to your advantage? Models got their heights, singers their voices, agents their brains (nyahaha!), so she used her, uh, scientifically enhanced body. And I've heard some say that she did a great jod at PBB before, being so so true and sincere. She also changed her ways, after given an opportunity. I wish more of us will be like that. I'm glad to meet people here who are showing their true colors. Though somehow, I hope we all don't have to hide in here, someday, we can just show the world who we are and not be afraid, of their judging looks, their stupid narrow minds and one way impressions.

Morality. Good conduct. If a poor, illiterate girl sells her body to feed her family, is she immoral? But isn't it for a good cause? Society will tag her as pokpok. But when a society-page, elitista girl, sleeps with different guys every night, she's just seen as sexually active and liberated. Where's morality? See what society creates? And now, there's us. This population, who would rather change names and settle for friends without faces, because atleast in here, we don't have to hide our emotions, our truest self. We won't be afraid to speak up. Our secrecy is our freedom. 

Wow. All these because of cosmetic surgery. tsk. (makes sense?)

Currently listening to: Kokomo
Currently feeling: hot

ibinigay yung number mo sa akin

sabi mo naghahanap ka ng serious relationship

kaya heto dumating ako

nagkakilala tayo sa party ng kaibigan ko..alala mo pa ba?

doon tayo nagsimula

di ko na kailangan isulat ang masasayang araw na kapiling kita

basta ang alam ko lang masaya ako na kasama kita

tapos dumating yung kinatatakutan ko

umalis ka ng walang pasabi

shit!!you turn me into pieces!!!!

nalaman ko na lang na pumunta ka sa ibang bansa

kanino?sa kaibigan mo..

paano na ako?

babalik ka pa ba?

o kalimutan na lang kita?

 

to be continued........

 

Currently listening to: 21 guns by greenday
Currently feeling: insomia

Ang hirap nito... Urong sulong... sala sa init, sala sa lamig... umaaraw, umuulan...

Kailangang pigilan dahil hindi naman talaga tama... Pinipilit namin naming maging casual sa isa't isa... pero hindi pa rin maiwasan na magkaroon ng sweet moments... ang hirap... alam kong nahihirapan din sya pero pumili na sya eh... Sana naman ipakita nya na masaya sya sa desisyon na pinili nya para naman makahinga na ako ng maluwag... Mukha namang ayos na sya... Sana nga maging ayos na talaga sya... Pipilitin kong balewalain ang nararamdaman ko sa kanya kung makikita kong ayos na talaga sila... Yun naman talaga ang dapat eh, bago pa ako dumating sa buhay nya... If she really wants to keep me as her friend, fine... So be it... I'm her friend til the end....

Pero kapag naiisip ko na mas masaya sya kapag kasama nya ako, gusto ko syang agawin dun sa pare nya... Pero hindi ko kayang gawin dahil baka panandalian lang tong kasayahan na to...

Maybe, this is really just a phase... Maybe if I'll meet a new guy, i'll forget what I feel for her... Maybe... just maybe...

Currently listening to: Guardian Angel
Currently feeling: mixed up

Eto na to!... The end na yata ng whirlwind romance sa buwan ng nobyembre!

So tama nga ang hinala ko... Nakipagkita sya sa pare nya kahapon... kaya sya biglang nawala... Sabi nya may aayusin lang sya... tapos hindi naman bumalik ng tama sa oras... at nalaman ko kay norms na nagkabalikan na uli sila ang they are trying to work things out... Magsisimula uli sila... hindi ko alam kung anong mararamdaman ko kanina nung sinabi ni norms yun sa'kin... gusto kong umiyak pero nasa office ako tsaka ayaw lumabas ng luha ko... gumawa na lang ako ng sulat para kay brit... tsaka ng mga notes... at nag-focus sa calls... hindi ko rin sya tinitignan kahit gusto ko... pero pagdating ng lunch namin syempre magkasabay pa rin kami so there's the challenge... Ang pigilan ang halo- halong nararamdaman ko para hindi nya mahalatang hindi okay ang nangyayari... I'm making it easy for her para maging masaya sya sa naging desisyon nya... kahit unti-unti na akong nadudurog... binilisan ko na lang ang pagkain... tapos tumakas na ako nung dumating na si mommy shie... pinabayaan ko na silang mag-usap... napayosi na naman ako... sinamahan ako ni brit sa lung center... yun!... habang nagyoyosi ako, pinagsasabihan nya ako... Dapat daw hindi ko ibinigay agad ng todo ang lahat dahil alam ko namang hindi stable... paano ko gagawin yun kung sa simula pa lang na binuksan ko sa posibilidad ang sarili ko ay ibinigay ko na rin sa kanya ang lahat... For a moment, naramdaman kong sa kanya na umiikot ang mundo ko... Sya lang uli ang nagparamdam sa'kin na umiikot pala ang mundo para sa'kin para lang patigilin nya uli at iwanan na naman akong mag-isa...

Nag-vgh na naman sya... akala ko umuwi na pero pagkatapos ng shift namin, nakita ko sya sa red couch... sa paborito nyang pwesto... mukhang bagong gising pero mas lamang na mukhang galing sa iyak... On the way home, kinakausap sya ni norms... pero ayaw nyang mag-open ng topic tungkol sa kung ano ba ang nararamdaman nya... Bumabalik na naman sya sa malungkot nyang buhay dahil lang sa babaeng yun!... Wala naman syang napapala dun eh... bakit kailangan pa nyang bumalik dun?... Pwede naman nyang tuldukan na lang pero bakit mas ginusto pa nyang balikan yun kesa mag-move on at maging masaya... haaayyyssss... Hindi na rin lang ako nagsalita... pinipilit ko na lang syang intindihin... wala syang energy sa mrt pero ang kulit pa rin nya... Pagbaba namin sa boni, nakahawak sya sa likod ng jacket ko na parang batang mawawala... Pinagtitinginan nga kami ng ibang mga pasahero eh... hanggang sa pag-akyat ng hagdan... Haaaaysssss... paano ba ako magsisimulang mag-move on kung ganun sya sa'kin?... Parang ayaw nya akong bitawan... parang gusto pa rin nya na katulad pa rin kami ng dati kahit na hindi talaga pwede... parang sa'kin sya kumukuha ng lakas sa panahong ito... kaya ko syang suportahan sa desisyon nya pero pakiramdam ko ako naman ang unti-unting nanghihina... ako naman ang unti-unting nawawalan ng depensa sa lahat ng mga bagay na pwedeng makasakit sa'kin... at wala akong matatakbuhan... walang sasalo sa'kin... wala akong pwedeng hawakan para hindi ako matumba kapag tuluyan na akong nawalan ng lakas... Paano ko tataksan ang taong gusto kong tulungan?... Paano ko tatakasan ang taong ginusto kong mapangiti?... Paano ko tatakasan ang taong nagparamdam uli sa'kin na kailangan nya ako?...

Hindi ko na alam ang gagawin ko... I need a break from all this!...

Currently feeling: bumabaliktad na sikmura